Rant # 1. American Idol

It may be fair to ask. "With all the real stuff, the important stuff, the relevant stuff going on in my life right now, why kick off my blog with a rant about American Idol?"

The answer is simple really. It's the one thing I have the ability to have some control over. I can't vote for how the judges will rule in any of my various pending court sagas. I can't text the word "Heal" to anyone and make them magically better.

I can't call 1-866-who-cares to affect the outcome of my life, but I can, I CAN influence the outcome of American Idol. All I have to do is pick up my phone and call, over and over, endlessly hitting the redial button, only to hear the "I'm sorry, all circuits are busy now, please try your call later" recording over and over and over.

I can, but I don't. Why is that you may ask? (another fair question, as far as questions go.)

And another simple answer. Because it just doesn't matter. The things in life I have the most control over are the things that just don't matter.

So, rather than calling in my vote, I decided to dedicate my first official rant to American Idol.

Now, every year, we watch as talented country singers in the competition are forced to run the gamut of Motown, rock, new wave, R&B, Michael Jackson, Barry Manilow and Snoop Doop Daddy Dee Diddy music, and nobody bats an eye. But ask Bo Bice or Chris Daughtry, or Rubin Studdard to sing a little bit country and from the reaction of their fans, you would think they are asking them to tear their fingernails out and pour boiling iodine in the wounds.

Well, get a grip dudes! Anyone who has the talent to make it this far in a competition of this nature can sign a song within their comfort zone, that's a given. The point of the competition is to see how well you can do when you step outside your comfort zone.

Actually, the point of the competition at this point seems to be a more along the lines of a circus than anything else anyway.

Step right up people, Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages. Get your tickets, take your seats. The show is about to commence.

So, lets run down the list of 11 contestants who took the stage for Season 8 Grand Ole Opry night and see what we have to work with.

There's Michael Sarver, a likeable guy, with a steady voice. He'd make a good backup singer, could possible make a living recording demo tapes for writers, and singing at wedding funerals and street festivals, but does he have the energy level necessary to be a star?

Then Lil Rounds, who Simon Cowell, for some reason known only to himself chose to mock, by deliberately playing games with her name, something I did in third grade, but have since outgrown. Lil, is good, she has a powerful voice and poise and grace on stage, but does she have pizzazz?

Danny Gokey. This guy is just plain boring. His nerdy white boy look, and his blase voice make him forgettable on so many levels I can't remember them all.

Next is Anoop Desai. Ok, I'm trying to be fair here, but what is it anyone sees in him? I don't see it.

Scott Macintyre. A good solid singer, a likeable guy, but does he have star potential?

Megan Joy, the blonde Amy Winehouse wannabe, who sounds like a really bad actress trying to play a '40's cabaret singer in a B movie.

Alexis Grace, She came in as a clean cut all American girl and the judges told her they wanted her to be a bit more trashy. That seems very telling right there, if you stop and think about it.

Adam Lambert. This guy is a freak, with a capital "EEK". It boggles my mind that all the teeny bopper girls are so ga-ga over him. Don't tell me I'm the only person who sees a Michael Jackson wannabe when he walks onto the stage.

Allison Iraheta, A talented singer, likeable, but what the heck is up with her hair? It's too big for her head, and the color is absolutely horrid. It's so obviously fake she may as well just wear a wig. Or does she.....?

Matt Giraud. I'd tell him not to quit his day job, but being from Michigan, chances are he already lost it. I should be supporting him because he's a hometown guy and all, but he is just plain boring.

And that makes ten, who is #11? Who knows? Who cares? If you can't remember, chances are they aren't that memorable,

But just to set the record straight it's Kris Allen a pretty boy new kidz looking guy who disappears from your mind as soon as the last reverb dies away.

So, this group took the stage on Tuesday night, to do country music. How did they do?

Well, I guess that depends who you ask. The judges, Who have mixed feelings about the Country genre. The voters, who apparently are mostly females between 12 and 15 years old. Or me, a fan of country music since back before it was cool.

Kris, Matt, Allison, Scott all did ok. Nothing stellar, but nothing terrible either. Just Boot Scoot night at the old Karaoke Bar.

Michael took a Garth Brooks song and took all the life out of it. A difficult song to sing, he was, I believe, trying to show that he could do a difficult song. It backfired. He had a chance to pick a song that showed off his range, and he picked a song that he could monotone his way through. It was a very disappointing performance. The judges agreed, as did most of the voting public.

Lil, took a Martina McBride song and slowed it down just enough to make the raw emotion come out in it. She faltered a bit with the lyrics in the second verse, probably because she knows the song and was being forced to sing a truncated version of it for the show, but she took the song into a whole new level, a dimension that Martina never did. Turned it almost into a ballad, and smiled the whole time. The judges didn't like it, I did. But then again, I like country and they don't.

Megan had a cold/flu thing happening, so everyone felt sorry for her and told her she did a great job as she butchered the snot out of a Patsy Cline song. She sounded like a scratchy, vinyl recording of a practice session of the song. I would have "gonged" her halfway through the song, but the judges all did the "Oh that was so brave of you to sing, you look beautiful" crap, ignoring the fact that she looks like she fell out of the tattoo tree and hit every branch on the way down. Boohoo.

Alexis picked a Dolly Parton song, and tried to give it her own flair. Simon said she sounded "Copycat" I thought she sounded weak. Dolly put a lot more energy into the song when she sang it. Alexis looked the part, but fell a bit short when it came to the "wow" factor.

Danny did a Carrie Underwood song and made it sound lifeless and fake. When Carrie Underwood sang "Jesus, take the wheel, " you knew she was praying, when Danny sang the same line, it sounded like an afterthought. There was no feeling, no emotion, and he looked like a class a weirdo. The judges all said he sounded great. But then again, they wouldn't know country music if it drove up in a pickup truck and bit 'em on the leg.

Anoop took a Willie Nelson song and surprised the heck out of me, with an outstanding performance. It's hard to do a song from a really great singer and make it sound good, because people will always compare it to the original. No offense Willie, but I think maybe I like Anoop's rendition better.

And speaking of singing a song from a really great singer, Freak Boy Adam, took a Johnny Cash song, and turned it into a screeching wailing freaked out weirdo version that sounded like two cats fighting over a squirrel on a hot summer night.

What a terrible way to disrespect a great singer like Johnny Cash. What a slap in the face, to country music, to the integrity of the writer, the singer and the genre as a whole, and to the Grand Ole Opry, which lent it's name to the nights competition.

What the heck was he trying to prove? Look everybody, I don't have to sing country, I can take a really good song by a really great singer and make it sound like trash.

Well, congratulations Adam, you managed to sound as creepy as you look! Not an easy task when working with music as wholesome as country, but you did it.

Of course, Randy liked him, and Paula likes everybody, but Kara was dumbfounded, and Simon said it all when he said "What the hell was that?"

So you don't like country, you think you may chip a black polished nail on a guitar string or something? Well, boohoo! get over yourself. You had the opportunity to get coaching and advice from Randy Travis, a man who was a millionaire several times over by the time he was your age, and you spit in the face of the music that he stands for. Shame on you, and shame on every 12 year old girl who doesn't know any better who voted for your sorry freakish butt!

I hope when you finally leave this competition, you can support yourself on record sales to 12 year olds. Those babysitting dollars don't go as far as they used to.

So, I watched tonight, and was gently surprised, but not stunned, disappointed, but not devastated as the field was reduced to 10 competitors. For all my fans on the west coast, I am writing this before you will have seen the elimination tonight, so I won't spoil it for you, except to say that none of the people I really disliked went home, and neither did any of the ones I expected to go home. It was someone in the middle.

So that's my American Idol review. Simon, when you read this, give me a call, I'll explain to you the true meaning of country music.

For the rest of ya'll,

Until next time...